The 5 Most Difficult Lessons I Learned in 5 years of Marriage | Enduring All Things

Friday, July 14, 2017

The 5 Most Difficult Lessons I Learned in 5 years of Marriage

Today is our 5th wedding anniversary. When we got married back in 2012, five years seemed so far away to me. But now that it's here, it seems like it flew by. In some ways at least. But when I think about all we've been through with grad school and lots of traveling, buying two new cars, adopting a dog, and not to mention adjusting to married life, it seems like we've been married for a long time. In a good way.

I love that this marriage seems natural. It seems like we've always been married, not because it's been terrible, but because it's so comfortable. I feel like our relationship is so much deeper and more intimate now than it was when we first got married. We may not be in the honeymoon phase anymore, but we've been through so much together that our bond is that much stronger.

I love coming home to him (or waiting for him to come home) and feeling safe, loved, and happy. He is my happy place.

But that's enough of the sappy stuff. On to today's post. The 5 most difficult lessons I've learned in 5 years of marriage!
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.

ONE || He actually wants to do things with me.

I don't know why this one was so hard for me to learn. And to be honest, I still sort of struggle with it. I just can't get it in my head that Pearson would rather hang out with me than do his own thing. Or that he would rather take me to a football game than go with his buddies. Or that he wants me to like the things he likes or at least accompany him when he hangs out a Guitar Center for hours at a time playing the guitars and amps he can't afford.

Usually, or at least in the past, I would say "You go to Guitar Center and I'll stay here and blog or do my own thing." Or I'd go somewhere with him but I'd go to one store while he goes to another. Like, I will go to Marshall's while he browses MicroCenter. And sometimes I would say I need to go run an errand and not let him come with me. I mean I was going to buy clothes and makeup. Why would he want to come?

Little did I know, this was harmful to our relationship. It hindered our recreational intimacy and kept us from connecting like we could. Pearson's need for a recreational partner in me is still something I don't quite understand and I have to continuously remind myself of it. But it is something I truly love and appreciate. Who doesn't want to feel important like they're wanted around? It's awesome!
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.

TWO || It's so easy to take each other for granted. 

Everybody always tells you not to take each other for granted in any relationship, but especially when you're about to get married. And I think most people think that will never happen. At least that's what we thought. But it's so easy to do.

When you're dating and not living together, you have to put in a lot of effort to see each other and hang out. Naturally, you appreciate each other more. Not to mention, you are very much "in love" and still trying to impress each other.

The trick is to continue that thinking into marriage. After you're living together and see each other all the time. When you share everything and just do life together. When you start to believe that he or she will always be there. When things outside of the marriage (career, kids etc) start to seem more important because you've done the work for the marriage already. That's when you have to put in the effort to make your spouse feel like they are the most important person in your world, because they should be. I hope they are.
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.

THREE || He wants my love, admiration, and respect. 

You're probably thinking "well duh," but hear me out. I know he wants these things, but sometimes I hold back because I don't want to look desperate or too attached or crazy.

I truly think this belief came from media bombarding me with negativity toward women who are too emotional and attached and "crazy."

Recently I've decided that I don't care what people say about this. I know Pearson doesn't care so I'm not holding back anymore! Actually, that's not true. I still hold back sometimes. Old habits are hard to break.
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.

FOUR || It's okay to have other hobbies. 

For the first few years of our lives, I didn't really have any hobbies separate from Pearson. Actually, that's not entirely true. I had this blog. But my mindset was that I didn't really have my own hobbies and interests and didn't care to pursue them. I just wanted to do whatever Pearson was doing. And if I'm being honest, I would even get offended and upset when he would do his own thing like playing guitar or video games over hanging out with me. Especially when he started working 80 hours per week and we never saw each other.

But I've learned that it's okay and actually healthy to have your own hobbies. And there's nothing wrong with enjoying each other's hobbies every once in a while for the sake of companionship as I talked about in my first point. Sometimes we'll even spend time together in the same room doing totally separate things. He'll play guitar and I'll bring my laptop into the "guitar room" and blog in there.

With all that being said, I've also learned that it's okay to not have hobbies. Yes I consider my blog a hobby. But sometimes it feels more like a job than a hobby. Other than that, I don't really have hobbies. Maybe reading. Does that count? And social media influencing? Netflix binging? Not having multiple hobbies used to really bother me but now I try not to let it. There's nothing wrong with it. I don't feel like there's something major missing from my life. It's fine!
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.

FIVE || You need each other to lean on. 

As I mentioned earlier, we've been through alot together. And I know we will go through a lot more in our life together. I'll admit, sometimes I get frustrated when Pearson is upset about something. But that's not good. We promised to love each other for better or for worse. While sometimes that may need to look like tough love, it should never look like giving up on each other. Sometimes it may look like helping each other to get professional help elsewhere but it never looks like blowing up at each other when you can't take it anymore.

We are each other's biggest cheerleaders and support group. Sometimes we may need more support from friends and family and people in similar situations, but our spouse will always be that first layer of support.
We've been married for 5 years. There have been ups and downs but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Here are some lessons I've learned.
Marriage is certainly a life long learning process. You never stop learning about each other or how you work together. The trick is putting what you learn into practice and admitting when you're wrong and fall back into old habits. Here's to always working to better our relationship! And here's to many more anniversaries!

When is your anniversary?
How long have you been married?
What are some things you've learned in your marriage?
Thanks for reading!

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  1. These lessons are so important! Sometimes I worry about coming off as too needy--but Dan loves my cuddles (Physical Intimacy is his love language) and my compliments (Words of Affirmation is mine).

    Dan and I both have our own hobbies. Although, blogging and social media influencing is basically a job now. And my other solo hobbies are reading and... that's about it. Dan has one big solo hobby: car stuff. Working on cars and taking his car to the track. Our other solo hobbies are more chore-like: cooking & gardening for me, and woodworking & DIY projects for him.

  2. Sara Montague MillerJuly 14, 2017 at 3:54 PM

    Number 2 is so true! My husband and I just celebrated 7 years, and it really is flying by! Still a learning process every day, though, and I think that's a good thing!

  3. Happy anniversary, Charlene! <3 Congrats on 5 years!!!

  4. Awww happy anniversary!!

    My husband and I have been married a little over 6 years! My husband and I have our own hobbies (for example, me - photography and him - video games and making miniature models), but we also have hobbies that we share together (like four wheeling). Even though photography isn't his thing, he takes pictures for me!

  5. Number two all the way! The best way for us to communicate is the hardest lesson we've learned.

  6. Yes it's hard to know how you and your spouse can relate to each other and communicate best.

  7. Yes that's awesome! Having hobbies is so important!

  8. Yes that's sort of how I am. The blog has moved from "hobby" to more of a job. At least it's a bigger source of stress than a hobby should be. lol And other than that, my hobbies are more chore like. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Whenever Pearson is playing guitar or video games etc, I'm usually either blogging or cleaning. haha

  9. Yes absolutely! Continuing to learn is certainly a good thing!

  10. So we are not married but have been together 3 years as of 7/11 & will have lived together 3 years next month (super quick, I know!), but your number 4 was my number one. As quickly as we moved in together, we had to realize that we need separate lives/hobbies! It was difficult but but we are stronger bc of it! Great post :)


  11. I am so late to this party! Our 11th anniversary was 7/8, been together 15. #4 definitely! We both know enough about each other's hobbies that we can talk about them & not get a blank stare in return. And we both also appreciate that we can spend time together and not need to talk. Just being near each other is enough.


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